forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
