shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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