it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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