I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
