I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
nutella sex= disaster
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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