I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
