I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
