He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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