One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
