I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
