my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
