please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sorry about my life...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
