captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
