you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
