but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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