she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize