Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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