please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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