oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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