i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
