Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
