Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
