I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
