I molested 6 butterflies tonight
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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