Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
