So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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