I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
