you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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