just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
