Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
