i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
