I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
