That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
