The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
