I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
