just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I would ride that face into the sunset
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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