In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
