The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
