I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize