his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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