My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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