I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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