Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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