Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
