why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
