I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
40s are totally the cure
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize