i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize