There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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