Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
