Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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