It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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