it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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