Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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