Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
