do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
