I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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