you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
