Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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