if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't deserve a penis
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize