i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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