I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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