She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
