If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
