i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
