Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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