Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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