I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Shitshow foam night was such a success
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
