Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
