just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
