the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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